[Wind Howling]
- What do you got there, Radar? - Oh, it's probably a mistake.
Five thousand diapers and five thousand pairs of rubber pants.
Well, you're all set for winter.
Uh-huh.
- I'd give $10 for this war to be over. - Put me down for ten.
Twenty dollars. How could they turn us down?
We could even go to 25, but don't tell them that in the beginning.
Three months ago... Hey.
Three months ago, I ordered new boots. I made it easy.
I said, "New boots or let me go back to my old shoe store in Vermont."
Reasonable.
I even offered to let them resole my foot.
Three months waiting. I could've had a third of a baby by now.
You don't have the hips for it.
I need a thick something.
- What's this? - Frank's birthday.
I wonder how old he is.
Why don't we saw him in half tonight and count his rings?
"To my darling husband on the day of your birth.
You made a heaven for me on Earth."
She should've seen Mr. Heaven on Earth in surgery yesterday...
putting a nurse on report for giving him the instrument that he asked for.
Thank you, Mrs. Burns, from the bottom of my foot.
- Hi, Frank. - Hi, Frank.
That supposed to be clever?
- Happy birthday, Frank. - And many more, bunkie.
We were gonna buy you something, but we couldn't get to the 5-and-10 yen store.
Buy me something? You guys are so full of prunes!
Now I know what to get you: An electric bra.
That tears it! Where is it?
What filthy whatever have you done with my wife's birthday card?
I don't know how to tell you this, Frank, but your wife's birthday card...
is having a thing with my right foot.
That's it!
I want that card out of your boot pronto! And that's an order!
You better do what he says. He could revoke your feet.
- How much do you want for your boots? - What?
I'll give you 50 dollars and the Ten Commandments in pig latin.
Go peddle your papers!
There's only one thing left to do, Hawk.
I think we should go lean on the supply sergeant.
Very good advice from a man who zipped his fly to new heights.
I got you in here, Doc. I know. I remember.
- 10 1/2-C boot. - Right. 10 1/2-Charlie.
Here we are. Right next to Captain Milligan's truss.
He never got it. He was shipped home weeks ago.
I hope he had somebody carry his bags for him.
You want the truss if it comes in?
If it's a 10 1/2-C.
Sergeant Zale, I'm a doctor.
I've been operating for a week standing on one foot.
I'm warning you, you're looking at a desperate flamingo.
- You see that hole? - So?
I find it a little mind-boggling...
that I can't get a 10 1/2-C boot.
You want to see a 10 1/2-C hole? Look at this. Huh?
For weeks I've been asking the dentist to fix this, and he's too busy.
What do you think?
That's a hole.
Unfortunately, we're not dentists,
- but your tonsils don't look too good. - Let us snip 'em out.
No chance! I need them to chew with.
Sergeant, if we can arrange your dental work,
you think you just might be able to expedite the 10 1/2-Charlies?
You get me a 20/20 mouth,
and I'll find you a pair of boots so fast it'll make your feet swim.
[Man On P.A.] Attention. Captain Alvin Mercer...
leaves for a honeymoon in Tokyo at 0900 hours.
Any nurse wishing to be the bride, please contact the captain.
No experience necessary.
Klinger, stop fidgeting. Sit back.
- It hurts my head. - May I ask why you're wearing curlers?
- I'm going on guard duty tonight. - Klinger, when are you gonna wise up?
You been trying to get out of the army by wearing dresses.
What's it got you?
Two proposals and a hurt letter from a peeping Tom.
- Who was it? - I don't undress and tell.
- Pierce, Mclntyre. - Konnichiwa, Dr. Futterman-san.
The sun smiles, the river laughs.
Can't help lovin' that man of mine.
Klinger, how can you wear just a skirt on a cold day like this?
You think it's easy being a nut?
- Bernie... - Open wide.
I have to ask you a favor before you go down to the pits.
You know the supply sergeant, Zale?
Zale. Yeah.
- What about him? - I want you to give him his bridge.
In two words: "uhm-possible."
That's cosmetic work. I got people here with sick teeth.
Bernie, look at this.
I don't do shoes. You'll have to get them filled somewhere else.
Bernie, I'm at your mercy. I'm wearing my foot on my sleeve.
Do Zale's teeth, and he gets new boots.
Fair enough. If you help me.
I'm in love.
Just name her. She's yours. We'll bring her here in chains.
We'll even give her a drug that makes you look tall and blond.
Gentlemen, it's not a woman.
It's Japan.
I love that land, from the top of Fujiyama to the bottom of its sea,
where even right now...
chubby half-naked diving girls...
are irritating oysters to produce pearls.
Makes you want to enlist in the oysters.
I know I'm Japanese. I was born Japanese.
I have a feeling that I was kidnapped by a dentist whose wife was barren...
and spirited away to East Orange.
My life there has only been prologue to my final destiny:
Underwater dentist in an all-night bathhouse.
Uh, look, we're good, but we can't get you a transfer to Japan.
I only want three days.
I wanna visit a Shinto shrine. I wanna see the Kabuki.
I wanna spend an evening with a girl I can think about in years to come...
when my wife is talking to me.
Okay. We'll see Henry.
[Futterman] Henry? In the great mouth of life,
Henry Blake is but a temporary filling.
Okay, sir, uh, you sign this top form, then initial all the rest.
- Initial, Radar? - Oh, yes, sir.
Your initials signify that instead of signing, you initialed.
Uh, then you have to sign this form,
which states that you merely initialed the forms that required signing.
Then after you've signed, you put your initial where you signed...
so that people will know that you okayed your signature with your initial.
Radar, tell me the truth. Do you understand any of this?
Uh, I try not to, sir. It slows up the work.
Anything else?
Uh, oh! There's these more here too, sir.
Oh, pooh! I got a bucket of golf balls to wash.
Hey. Three nurses want to transfer out?
Oh, yes, sir. They're really in tough shape.
It's sad to see 'em crying in the shower.
Radar, you were supposed to fix the hole in that tent.
Uh, I did, sir, but it just took a week longer than I expected.
Major Houlihan, huh?
Yes, sir. She's really giving them a bad time.
The queen of the bedpans strikes again!
There's also something more you should know too, sir.
What?
Major Houlihan's preparing a very bad report about you for General Mitchell.
How do you know that?
Well, when I was cleaning out her wastebasket...
I accidentally came upon this piece of paper,
which she had been typing with the wrong side of the carbon facing.
So I pressed it with a steam iron...
to transfer what she wrote onto this piece of paper.
I could see what she wrote without holding up her mistake to a mirror.
That was a terrific accident, Radar.
Thank you, sir.
"Incompetent, inefficient, unmilitary."
- She spelled "bungler" wrong. - Uh, no, that's "bumbler," sir.
Oh, then she got it right.
Boy, that gripes my cookies! What has she got against me?
I've never done a thing to that woman.
Maybe that's it, sir. [Laughs]
Oh, no.
Not without combat pay.
- Are you in, Henry? - I'm in enough to ask you to get out.
- Bad mood today. - That's right.
I'm in a bad mood today.
- Wow! What ears. - What's up, Henry?
Houlihan's got the nurses so crazy, half of'em can't sleep at night.
Yeah? Which ones?
She's also preparing a report to General Mitchell,
where I could wind up shaving patients before surgery.
I guess this is a wrong time to ask you for a favor, huh, Henry?
Not unless you want it turned down. Then it's ideal.
- It's for Futterman, the dentist. - The closet Oriental.
If you give him three days in Tokyo, I can get a new pair of boots.
I'd be lying if I said I understood that.
I'd also be lying if I said I cared.
What if we can get Hot Lips off your back?
I'd give Futterman a week. He could run for emperor.
It never fails. One hand washes the other.
You fix that sweetheart, and I'll give you a bath.
That part of our relationship is over, Henry.
Henry Blake is a sham commander, a farcical administrator...
and a spineless, irresponsible, lecherous old beanbag.
Margaret, we're not gonna get anywhere if you keep holding back.
- My report is going to Gen. Mitchell. - Come on, reconsider.
Henry's less than perfect, but we are a team.
Yeah, it's just that he's been in one too many scrimmages without his helmet.
- Margaret, what can we do? - What you can do mostly is not.
Not torment Frank Burns.
All right, you have our word.
He will never find meat loaf in his pajamas again!
We'll never add another number to his dog tags.
He will never again wake up with nail polish and mascara.
Not good enough, gentlemen. Not good enough!
- Today is Frank's birthday. - Yeah, yeah?
I think a surprise party in the mess tent tonight,
with a big cake and at least 20 people...
and presents...
might just stop my report.
- It's a deal. - It is not!
I have just run out of hypocrisy.
My dignity tank is getting dangerously low.
You expect me to drag 20 screaming people to a party...
for Frank Burns and paint smiles on their faces?
And presents?
Half this camp spends its time sticking pins in little Frank Burns dolls.
I will debase myself just so far for a pair of boots.
Hah! A party for Frank Burns?
I think I'll start with a few hors d'oeuvres,
followed by baked ham and hot biscuits.
If they'll stay hot. That's the only problem.
- Radar, what are you doing? - Sorting the mail.
- Otherwise known as a sneak preview. - Anything for us?
No. What do you guys want, sirs?
A birthday cake for Frank Burns.
- You gonna start bein' nice to him now? - We thought we'd try it.
- If he likes it, we can always stop. - Well, what do you need me for?
- Why don't you talk to the cook? - We had a little falling out.
We sent a sample of his stew to the lab.
It came back marked "benign... no traces of food."
Radar, you do this for us, and I promise I'll find a cure for shortness.
Now, that's not funny!
Hey, you know he's only joking.
Yeah. In our hearts, you're six-foot-three.
Yeah, I know.
I'm just kinda edgy lately.
Guess it's my, uh, loneliness.
Which one is she?
That new first lieutenant. The big blond lady.
Murphy? The wonder nurse?
She's two people taller than you.
Be smart, Radar. Start in the boys' department.
Work your way up to the men's floor.
Give us a little time. We'll find you something in 32 regular.
I don't have time. The Medical Journal says...
a man's best years are between 19 and 25.
- Right now I'm at my peak, physically. - Oh.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Hey, Radar, forget about Murphy.
What about, uh, uh, Nurse Anderson?
She's built like a brick hospital.
- Murphy. - What about Nurse Jacobs?
She's offered her body to science... time and time again.
- Murphy. - Murphy. - Murphy.
Please, fellas, I'm tired. I'm in no mood for kidding.
- We just need a little favor. - Why didn't you say so? The answer's no.
Look, we need to borrow your body for an evening.
- Your heart doesn't have to be in it. - Is that unreasonable?
I wish somebody would make me that offer.
We have this terrific friend who's really anxious to go out with you.
He's sort of a shy, Gary Cooper-ish type.
Well, he's a little more "ish" than "Cooper."
But he's extremely bright in the head, where that kind of thing counts.
- Warm and witty. - Excitingly average.
- Okay. - Okay?
What kind of a turndown is that?
He can meet me in my tent after ward duty.
Don't you want to know how you'll recognize him?
Oh, I'll know. He'll be the one with the dryer.
The what?
Part of this deal has to be that I have a hair dryer.
I'm tired of walking through this war with wet hair.
And that's all there is to it?
Listen, for a hair dryer, I'd even go out with Radar O'Reilly.
We can't send a kid like Radar up with a girl like that.
Maybe if I took a real hot bath, I could fit into his clothes.
- 75 bucks. That's as high as I go. - Nope.
All right, a hundred bucks and I'll throw in a nose job.
You implying my nose is too big?
Not at all. I'll even add to it if you want.
I'll give you a nose that'll need a tie clip. I need this dryer.
There's only one thing I want, and everybody knows it.
Klinger, it's not in our power to give you a discharge.
Ah! I looked it up.
If I can get four officers that'll sign that I'm a nutcase, I can get out.
I'd sign a paper certifying you're an English sheepdog.
Providing you stay on the paper.
I knew you guys would do it!
When it comes to crazy, you're tops.
But what's the use? Majors Burns or Houlihan, they wouldn't sign.
Now, wait a minute. Maybe we can soften them up.
- We're giving him a party. - For his birthday.
The same guys that glued his head to a pillow last week?
Hey, trust us. We'll get him mellow.
- He'll sign your nutso-gram. - You get ready for the party.
And tell me what you're wearing so we don't clash.
- What is it? - Open it up!
Ohh!
It was my father's. He was cavalry.
A riding crop!
My mother gave it to him on their wedding night.
Margaret, you're a dreamboat!
[Laughing]
- Frank! - Giddy-up!
- You're silly. - Ohh!
Margaret, I'm so grateful you remembered my birthday.
I'm not the sort of person whose birthday people seem to remember.
I'm just sort of there year after year.
- Oh, Frank. - Yeah.
When I was little, my mother used to send out 30 birthday invitations...
just to get four kids to show up.
I know. You told me.
Why don't people like me, Margaret?
Well...
- Have some wine, Frank. - They don't, you know.
I've gotten thank-you notes from people I said I'd never see again.
- Well, do you know what we're gonna do? - Hmm?
We're going over to the mess tent for a birthday dinner.
Just the two of us. Just you and me.
Just the two of us. Isn't that sad?
- Majors at two o'clock! - Okay, everybody get down!
Be quiet! Hide! Shh! Shh!
- Hawkeye, is that your hand? - Is what my hand?
Pipe down! Shh! Quiet!
- Say, what's... - Surprise! Surprise!
[Laughing, Applauding]
Oh, this isn't all for me.
Sure it is, you silly goose.
Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank.
- Well put, Henry. - Frank.
It's very hard to tell people how much you like them.
Very hard.
Some people even harder than others.
Frank, this is a very tough case.
Thank you. Colonel Blake's stretcher, please.
Hey, come on, Henry. There's a bottle dying to meet you.
Aw, you two palookas.
- Thanks, Pierce. - A deal's a deal.
- Speech, Frank! Speech! - Yes!
[Cheering]
Uh, I'm not, uh, much at speechifying.
Uh, this party's really thrown me for a loop.
I'd, uh, just like to say...
that I think you're all a bunch of swell eggs.
Uh, of course, a few of the eggs are a little cracked.
Biggest horse's patoot in the army.
Uh, Frank, we have some presents for you.
- Radar, give Frank a drink. - Yeah, come on.
Not too much, Frank. It makes you sluggish.
Now, this first present is from all the gang in X-Ray.
It's practical as well as ornamental.
A pair of lead-lined jockey shorts.
Let's see what else we have here.
- [Chuckling] - Hey!
Tomorrow morning, Doc, in regards to my teeth?
The dawn awakens the soul. The soul summons the spirit.
- What time? - Soon as I get back from the latrine.
- Be in my chair, 10:00. Don't be late. - You got it.
A rare gift, Frank, from old Heidelberg.
A medical student's specimen stein.
[Laughing]
Margaret, this is the best party I ever had.
Major Houlihan seems in good spirits.
She's gonna be one peroxide pussycat from now on.
And you can thank yours anonymously for that.
Really?
How'd you like to come to my tent and thank me in person?
You're married, aren't you?
Well, that's all right. So's my wife.
- Hey, Klinger, what time you got? - Five to 8:00.
Geez, I gotta get outta here. I got a date.
- Yeah? With who? - Nurse Murphy.
You gonna work without a net?
Now may we have the, uh... [Whistles]
[Applause]
- They love you, Frank. - It was their hatred that fooled me.
Make a wish, Frank.
[Cheering]
Pierce, Mclntyre,
this is the happiest night of my life, buddies.
You want to share the happiness, Frank?
- With the whole world. - Sign this.
Sure. What is it?
Never! You're asking me to let a pervert out of the army?
Oh, right, Frank. By all means, let's keep the perverts in the army.
- Klinger's not a pervert! - How do you know?
Because I'm one, and he's never at the meetings.
- That's despicable! - Hey, she's tearing up my crazy papers!
Hey, what are you doing?
[Whirring]
- [Whirring Stops] - Hey! What's going on here?
And what are you doing here?
But didn't they tell you? I'm your date.
Only if you plug yourself in...
and blow on my hair.
This is your party, and you're going to enjoy it whether you like it or not.
Now, come on. Everybody's watching. Cut the cake.
- I can't. - Act like a man, you twit!
A deal's a deal!
Wait. Before we operate on that cake,
I would like to get a second opinion.
This will all go into my report to the general, Colonel Drunky John.
Henry, go fall down on somebody. Margaret...
- It'll all be reported! - Oh, boy.
If I don't see you before I leave,
thank you for the three-day pass, Colonel-san.
In case you haven't heard, Captain, there's a war going on-san.
Henry, wait a second! I gotta talk to you.
- Henry, may I talk to you? - Where did I lose control?
See ya bright and early, Doc.
Forget it. Sleep late. And learn how to gum your food.
I'm not going into your mouth unless it catches fire.
- I appeal to you as a fellow doctor. - Bernie, please!
- We're sorry about Pearl Harbor! - It'll never happen again!
- Don't go, Sergeant. - Out of my way, sir. That's an order.
- He's got to have those boots. - We made a deal. He didn't come through.
Do you know what I did?
How I degraded myself, how I groveled,
how I humbled, how I cheapened myself...
all for a pair of miserable, lousy army boots?
I swear to you, as dedicated as I am...
to the sanctity and preservation of human life,
if I had a gun at this moment, I would send my head across the tent!
A gun takes six weeks. There's a terrific waiting list.
Look, Sergeant, what if we got you an appointment with the dentist?
Yeah. I happen to know he's not going to Tokyo.
But if we got him a three-day pass, then Hot Lips won't report Henry.
On the other hand, if we get Radar a date with the hair dryer...
[Babbling]
Let's get some chow.
You go. I don't feel like it.
Tough breakin' in, huh?
It takes awhile. I'll do it.
Well, you gotta start sometime. Come on.
Okay.
- Wonder what garbage they got today. - What's the difference?
Fore!